This is not a goodbye but until we meet again.

Sometime in 2012, afternoon. Chatting some random at YM, I met you. As hours passed by, we did talk. The days go as same as we meet. We have a great time, adventures, and passions. Fast forward to June 27, 2013, we're married. So perfect. But after seven years, we called it quits. I failed you, and you went on your own. To this day, we never talk. So lonely.

If we overcome those obstacles, we're celebrating at 10. But the itch caught us. We chose to part. I've learned to move on from you. Do some things a single man can do. I realized those were temporary. Happy, yes, but it is still lonely. Sometimes I miss you. I do.

Now, we already learned to be separated from each other. That's ok. I've enjoyed the years we've been together. Thank you for your time, attention, and love. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift, our kids. I promised you that I'd take care of them, always.

To you, Mica. Take care of yourself.

Life as I flunk it.

It's been months since that entry, and I've accepted the fact that she doesn't want me anymore. After that last meeting, it was painful. Fast forward to last Wednesday. I saw her story; she went out. I know it's why I should care, but I'm sad. I still have this foul feeling as of this writing, and she doesn't have the time to answer my call. Fuck this feeling of loneliness.

Funny Familiar Forgotten Feelings

Hello, it's been a while. I wrote this as proof that I'm having my worst days again. Every day, I'm always down, incomplete, and alone. I have this feeling that the universe and everything else are conspiring to make me take the road straight down. Everything is sh*t in me. Every time I read the news about someone who died, I wish that I were the one who died. Seriously, I wish I was the one. I'm all alone, and always will be. I look back on the years, and I wasted my prime years. As of now, stuck in my craft, I feel that I'm nothing. My ideas are obsolete. Maybe I'll be successful if I take these years seriously.I can provide for my family and be happier. but I waste it. Opportunities come, and I shit on them. Now, I don't dare to do work. I feel like I'm the worst. I do no good. Everything fails. Wrong. My anxiety makes it worse. Stuck in my parent's house, I'm down. At my age and in this capacity, I wish I had died. I feel happy sometimes. I met this girl and got back on track. I fell in love. But one day she realized it would not work. My status is the reason. She doesn't want to be second. I understand that, but I proved to her that she was the one. Still, I fail. I wish I had died. I'm scared of taking my own. I prefer the natural way. But for how long? Save me. 

Your Hans type of thinking destroys you.

I rant because you don't want to see me this holiday season. Poor kids of ours, they suffer as we still act like kids.

She's so high and it hurts.

Kasalakuyang nakikinig ng She's So High ni Tal Bachmann. Sa tuwing napapakinggan ko ito, naalala ko mga "para sa akin" high class. Alam mo naman, simple lang ako. Marunong magluto, ok na, kasi hindi ako marunong nun. Ganon lang talaga ako.

Nakilala kita at para sa akin high class ka. Pero hanga ako at minahal kita kasi bumaba ka sa level na kung nasaan ako. Masaya ako. Meron na para sa akin. Fast forward, meron akong mali, meron ka rin mali. Nag-away tayo at wala ka na tiwala sa akin. 

Ang hirap kasi baka iniisip mo na puro lang ako good time sa tuwing umaalis ako ng bahay. Puro trabaho yun para sa atin. Kung may good time, isang simpleng inuman lang yung kasama ng mga matalik na kaibigan at kasama sa trabaho. Oo, may nakakausap akong iba, pero tulad nga sa ainabi ko ng una, hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ka nanlamig sa akin. Biglaan, wala kang sinabi. Tinatanong kita, umiiwas ka. Ganyan cycle natin, mahal natin ang isa't isa pero unti-unti ng nagkakalamat. Ngayon, umuuwi ako ng bahay, ang bungad mo agad sa akin kung kelan ako aalis. Sinong hindi maasar doon. Pinipilit kong ayusin ang lahat pero ikaw, hindi ka galit pero ganyan trato mo. Ayaw mo akong tignan, o kausapin man lang. Nagdadabog ka pag andyan ako. Ano ka ba? Ano ba talaga ang trip mo? Ang hirap na eh...ako na ang nag-papa kumbaba pero wala eh, matigas ka na. 

Dahil ba nagka ganito na ako at feeling mo napakataas mo na sa akin. Dyan ka mali, may sablay ka rin. Hindi ako mapag-hangad ng mataas, lalo na kung makakaapekto sa iba. Hindi ko ugali yun. Pareho lang tayong sablay sa totoo lang. Pinagtagpo tayo kasi sumablay tayo sa mga hinangad natin, at para sa tin mula sa iba. At dahil pareho tayong sablay, dapat magtulungan tayo para umangat. Pero ito ngayon, mataas ka na. Ang hirap mo na pababain. Pero kaya mo ba? Masaya ka pa ba? Hanggang kelan ka magiging ganito? Kapag namatay na ako..pabor sa iyo yan. Alam ko, pinipilit mo na lang, kasi may pride ka. Pero hindi kita masisisi. Mali din ako eh. Napag dusahan ko na ng isang taon mahigit yun. Marami na akong natutunan. Ayaw ko na balikan ang mga dating gawain, bumalik ka lang sa akin. Magsimula tayo ulit para pareho tayong makaahon. Tutal, tayo lang talaga ang magtutulungan para sa ating mga anak.

Umaasa pa rin ako para sa atin. Nanghihinayang ako sa panahon nating dalawa. 'Wag kang maalala, maayos na ako. Hindi na kita sasaktan ulit. Sana maliwanagan ka na rin, bago mahuli ang lahat para sa atin. Mahirap na ang buhay natin ngayon. Bigla na lang nawawala at laging nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi ito pag ku-konsensya. Ayan lang nararamadaman ko, kasi para sa akin, ikaw na ang huli.

Wasak somewhere since July 2020

I came back here after that crazy fight that happened last year. My boo, although she is not mad at me, is sooo very cold towards me. I feel that I'm not worthy of her love, time and, effort. Yeah, She's treating me not well sometime in 2016. I didn't know what's the problem and she didn't even say any words. We're happy but, it seems our marriage is always on the borderline. It sucks. I am your man who needs your love badly but, somewhat you never showed it since our second child was born. I came home from work, and you always have time on your smartphone. Sometimes we're not sleeping together and, you are ashamed of me when we have company. I don't know why. Maybe because we take each other for granted and we got fed up with our love. Ask for me I was wrong to take advice from others, especially online Girl friends. I was wrong to give in those online flings. I'm horrible and was wrong. But you may, believe it or not. I never take advantage of her, no sex involved. It's just a terrible online fling. 

I accepted my mistakes and the consequences of my terrible act. Now that we're learning to live without each other, I'm afraid the end of us will come. I hope and still waiting for you. Please would you come back to me? Let's start.

2019 and beyond

It's been a while. After reading all my shit, I'm kinda miss this life and wish to change some. But it's time to move on. -photo courtesy of some viral pics from fb.